How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Publisher : Pocket Books (1936)

ISBN-13 : 978-0671027032

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

💡 3 Main Ideas

1. Empathy is the key to understanding other people and developing better relationships. People are emotional creatures. One of our strongest desires is the desire to feel important and appreciated. By understanding what other people want and figuring out ways to help them achieve their desire, by becoming more empathetic, and less self-involved, you will improve your relationship with others significantly.
2. Praise works better than criticism. Criticism is a disincentive; it hurts people’s self-esteem and makes them not want to improve or change their behavior. It is better to be lavish and generous with praise. Being praised makes people feel appreciated and important, causes them to improve their performance, and makes them more inclined to like you. Be generous with your praise, and stingy with your criticism.
3. These are timeless commonsense principles that work best when practiced with honesty, sincerity, and genuineness. They aren’t a bag of tricks designed to manipulate or trick people into doing something against their own interests. These principles only work when practiced out of sincerity and honesty.

🔑 Five Key Takeaways

• Being able to get along with other people is a supremely important skill. Much of personal and professional success is derived from one’s personality and the ability to lead people. We all have the ability to learn these skills. With practice, anyone can learn these skills to relate better with people, avoid arguments, become a better speaker and leader, and become more confident and charismatic.
• People are emotional creatures. Everyone wants to feel important and appreciated. It is a fundamental craving. By focusing less on yourself, and more on other people, you will be able to satisfy their desire for importance and appreciation, and you’ll improve your relationship with them. Think more in terms of other people’s point of view, and focus more on their interests and desires.
• Be honest and genuine. Don’t resort to flattery and insincerity. People can tell when you’re not being sincere. These principles shouldn’t be used as a superficial and manipulative shortcut. They only work if you’re honest and sincere.
• Be generous with praise and stingy with criticism. Nobody likes to be criticized, so the less often you do it, the better. Praise works better than criticism in creating an incentive to perform better. Criticizing someone hurts their pride, and makes them feel less important. It fails to encourage them to want to correct their apparent mistake.
• These principles should be applied throughout your daily life. Frequently review and practise these principles. Knowledge is useless if it is not applied, and so your ultimate goal should be to apply these principles in your own life. Per Herbert Spencer, “the great aim of education is not knowledge, but action” (13).

✍️ Top Quotes

• When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. (27)
• ‘If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.’ (49) [Henry Ford]
• Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. (79)
• “Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use”. (212) [William James]

📒 Summary

Dale Carnegie originally published “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in 1936 as a textbook for business professionals who wanted to learn effective public speaking and how to successfully get along with people in the workplace.

Despite some dated language and anecdotes, it is still a timeless set of commonsense principles for improving human relationships.

The key to getting along with other people is to be considerate of their feelings, and to focus on their desires and interests. The techniques are simple, and work best when practiced with honesty. You must have a sincere desire to understand others better. You shouldn’t be trying to manipulate or trick people. Being genuine trumps flattery, and most people can figure out when someone is being duplicitous or manipulative.

The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life. Talking about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them. (212)

Being able to get along with other people is a supremely important skill across all the domains in a person’s life, both personal and professional. Carnegie writes:

The person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people – that person is headed for higher earning power.  (8)

And, in other domains, the ability to get along with others, to speak eloquently and confidently, to “sell” oneself and one’s ideas, and to lead, is also extremely useful.

The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd.  (232)

Indeed, it is so important that after health, what most adults want to learn is how to understand and get along with other people.

The book is based on the premise that almost anyone can learn these principles and apply them in their lives in order to get along with others. These principles provide you with the skills to become a more effective communicator and leader, both professionally and personally. The key is to practice regularly so that you conquer your fears and develop more courage and confidence.

⭐9 Suggestions On How To Get The Most Out Of This Book

1. Develop a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.
2. Read each chapter at least twice: first, quickly, to get a bird’s eye view, then again, more thoroughly, to develop a deeper understanding.
3. Stop frequently while reading to ask yourself how you can apply each principle in your own life.
4. Highlight, underline, and make notations while reading.
5. Review this book regularly, so you don’t forget the important ideas.
6. Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. Apply these principles at every opportunity and try to use them to help solve your daily problems.
7. Make a game out of living according to these principles.
8. Do a weekly review to reflect on the progress you are making. Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvement, what lessons you have learned for the future.
9. To help motivate you, keep track of your success in applying these principles.

Structure

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

• Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
• Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
• Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

• Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people
• Principle 2: Smile
• Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
• Principle 4: Be a good listener
• Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
• Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

• Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
• Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
• Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
• Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way
• Principle 5: Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately
• Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
• Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
• Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
• Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
• Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives
• Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas
• Principle 12: Throw down a challenge

Part 4: Be a Leader – How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment

• Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
• Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
• Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
• Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
• Principle 5: Let the other person save face
• Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
• Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
• Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
• Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

The Details

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

• ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything no matter how wrong it may be. (20)
• Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. (20)
• Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. (20)
• By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment. (20)
• ‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.’ (27) [Confucius]
• When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. (27)
• Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. (28)
• It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. (28)
• Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’ (31)

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation

• The only way to get a person to do anything is to give them what they want or to make them want to do it. And what they want is to feel important and appreciated.
• Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. (43)

The Desire to Be Important

• One of the deepest urge[s] or desires in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’ (32) [John Dewey] .
• Freud calls it ‘the desire to be great.’ (33)
• ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’ (33) [William James]

Praise, Appreciation & Encouragement

• One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. (43)
• I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. (38) [Charles Schwab]
• ‘There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’ (38) [Charles Schwab]
• ‘I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.’ (38) [Charles Schwab]

Appreciation versus Flattery

• The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. (42)
• Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. (44)

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

• All people are self-interested. And everyone has their own set of desires and interests. To get people to act in ways that align with your interests, you need to discover what they want by developing empathy and understanding their desires.
• The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. (45)

Action Springs Out of Desire

• Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. (46)
• ‘Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire” (46) [Harry A. Overstreet, Influencing Human Behavior]

Empathy & Understanding

• ‘If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.’ (49) [Henry Ford]
• ‘People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.’ (57) [Owen D. Young]

Think Win-Win

• Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation. (58)
• When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it. (62)

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people

• ‘We are interested in others when they are interested in us.’ (73) [Publilius Syrus, Roman poet,]
• You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. (63)
• People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves (64)
• If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. (69)
  • Remember birthdays and other special events.
• Greet people with energy and enthusiasm
• A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. (73)

Principle 2: Smile

• Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.’ (75)
• You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you. (77)

We Become What We “Pretend”

• You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. (78)
• ‘Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. (79) [William James]
• Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. (79)
• It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. (79)
• ‘There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.’ [Shakespeare] (79)
• Essayist and publisher Elbert Hubbard (80)
  

  Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual . . . Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis. (81)

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

• The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. (84)
• Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage. (84)
• People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost. (87)
• Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. (87)
  • Develop a system to recall and use people’s names in conversation.
    • Ask for a person’s name. Write it down if it is complicated
    • Use the name frequently in conversation
    • Create some kind of mental associations between the person and the name
• one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will [is] by remembering names and making people feel important – yet how many of us do it? (89)
• We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing . . . and nobody else. (90)

Principle 4: Be a good listener

• Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. ‘They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open . . . Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.’ (97) [Isaac F. Marcosson]
• If you want to be disliked:
  • Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence. (99)
• So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. (99)
• Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. (99)

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

• The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. (100)
• Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. (103)

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

• Always make the other person feel important. (105)
• Jesus summed it up in one thought – probably the most important rule in the world: ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.’ (105)
• When to show appreciation?
  • How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere. (106)
• Little phrases such as ‘I’m sorry to trouble you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to – ?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you’ – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding. (106)
• The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you realize their importance, and recognise it sincerely. (108)
• ‘Talk to people about themselves. Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.’ (115) [Benjamin Disraeli]

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

• Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.’ (117)
• Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. (117)
• You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. (117)
• Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. (117)
• If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. (119) [Ben Franklin]
• Which would you rather have, an academic, theatrical victory or a person’s good will? You can seldom have both. (119)
• You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong. (119)
• Buddha said: ‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint. (120)
• ‘No man who is resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention.’ (120) [Abraham Lincoln]

How To Keep A Disagreement From Becoming An Argument

1. Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, ‘When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.’ (121)
2. Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best. (121)
3. Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. (121)
4. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers.
5. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
6. Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
7. Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so.
8. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
9. Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.’ (121)
10. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends. (122)
11. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. (122)
    • Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. (122)
12. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions: (122)
    • Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
    • Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration?
    • Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
    • Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
    • Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win?
    • If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
    • Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

• You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words – and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. (123)
• You will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. (123)
• If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. pg. 123
• There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.’ (124)
• You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. (125)
• We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. (126)
• We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened (126)
• We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it. (126)
• most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do. (126)
• Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. (127)
• Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person. (127)
• When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our oesophagus. (128)
• ‘I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.’ (130) [Benjamin Franklin]
• don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy. (133)

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

• If we know we are going to be rebuked, it’s much better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves. It’s easier to listen to self-criticism than to receive condemnation from another person.
• There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error. (137)
• Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. (138)
• When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. (141)
• ‘By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.’ (141) [proverb]

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way

• people don’t want to change their minds….They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly. (143)
• a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.’ (144) [Abraham Lincoln]
• So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. (144)
• Gentleness and friendliness make a better impression than fury and force.
• kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world. (149)

Principle 5: Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately

• In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree. (149)
• Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. (149)
• Get the other person saying ‘Yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying ‘No.’ (149)
• When you have said ‘No,’ all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. (150)
• Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction. (150)
• The skilful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of ‘Yes’ responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. (150)
• it doesn’t pay to argue, …it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying “yes, yes.”’ (153)

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

• Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. (155)
• La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: ‘If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.’ (159)
• when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious. (159)
• I started to talk about myself less and listen more to my associates. They also had things to boast about and were more excited about telling me about their accomplishments than about listening to my boasting. (159)
• Now, when we have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and I only mention my achievements when they ask.’ (159)

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

• Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? (159)
• If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions – and let the other person think out the conclusion? (160)
• No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts. (160)

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

• Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that. (165)
• Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.’ (165)
• ‘Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. (166) [Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg, Getting Through to People]
• ‘Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.’ (166) [Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg, Getting Through to People]

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

• Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. (170)
• A magic phrase that stops arguments, eliminates ill feeling, creates goodwill, and makes the other person listen attentively:
  • ‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’ (170)

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives

• All people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation. (176)
• A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. (176) [J. Pierpont Morgan]
• all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives. (176)

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas

• This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention. (182)
• Dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life. (182)

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge

• ‘The way to get things done…is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.’ (186) [Charles Schwab]
• The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit. (186)
• ‘All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory’ [The motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece] (187)
• The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job. (188) [Frederic Herzberg, behavioral scientist]
• That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. (188)
• The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance. (188)

Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

• It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. (190)
• A barber lathers a man before he shaves him; (190)

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

• Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word ‘but’ and ending with a critical statement. (196)
• We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.’ (196)
• In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but.’ He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies. (196)
• This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’ (196)
• ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.’ (196)
• Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations. (196)
• Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism. (196)

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

• Show vulnerability and responsibility by admitting your own mistakes.
• It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. (199)
• Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior. (202)

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

• People don’t like to be told what to do. Don’t order people around. Make suggestions instead of orders.
• Do say:
  • You might consider this.
  • Do you think that would work?
• Don’t say:
  • ‘Do this or do that,’
  • ‘Don’t do this or don’t do that.’
• Give people the opportunity to do things themselves. Let them learn from their mistakes.
• It saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. (203)
• Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time – even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation. (203)
• Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. (204)

Principle 5: Let the other person save face

• Use criticism rarely, and when you must offer a criticism, do it privately, and in a way that allows the other person to keep his or her pride. Hurting someone’s pride is never called for.
• We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. (205)
• Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting! (206)
• Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. (208)
• ‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.’ (208) [Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, French aviation pioneer and author]

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise

• We learn better with praise than with criticism. Criticism hurts your self-confidence and is a disincentive to learning. But praise boosts our confidence and motivates us to keep improving.

Praise Reinforces Improvement

• Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving. (209)
• Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. (213)
• When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention. (211)

Praise Should be Specific and Sincere

• Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. …We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery. (212)

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

• Act as if a person already has the behavior you want them to have, and they will try to live up to that expectation.
• If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. (214)
• Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned. (214)

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

• Make a task seem easy to do. If a task or behavior is made to seem difficult or impossible, people will lose confidence and give up too soon or too easily. But if you make the task or behavior seem easy to perform, they will gain the confidence to persist and improve.
• Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. (218)
• Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practise until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel. (218)

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

• Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. (222)

Men are ruled by toys

• [Napoleon] created the Legion of Honor and distributed 15,000 crosses to his soldiers and made eighteen of his generals ‘Marshals of France’ and called his troops the ‘Grand Army.’ (224)
• Napoleon was criticized for giving ‘toys’ to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, ‘Men are ruled by toys.’ (224)
• This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you. (224)

Guidelines for Leaders to Keep in Mind for Changing Attitudes or Behavior

1. Don’t promise anything that you cannot deliver.
2. Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Try to understand what the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s desires.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

⭐ Recommended Reading

You may also enjoy the following books:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

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